I call myself the Thetaler and tell you lots of things some are cooking’s I know, while others are just some things. Really it’s to be my Blog of secrets, but not just any old secret, these’s are my own personal private secrets. My inner core stuff secrets that keep me from you.
This is safe to say as I have written several times in this place and i know, nobody reads it, well eight people, big deal. But I know now this is my safe place. I can write what I want. And for starters [ i ] meaning me, shall no longer comply with this [ I ] capital me, anywhere unless it is the beginning of a new sentence. Because this capital ” I ” makes me feel greater than you, and i am no better than you, nor you greater than me, i like to be on the same level as everyone else, then we can all see, maybe not understand, but, we can see. Also i am quite positive many do adhere to the level forcing the capital [ I ]. Well i say DOWN WITH CAPITAL I and UP WITH LITTLE i . . .I seem to remember in school, where i had to walk a mile minus the cross the street to indeed make that mile. Which made it point fact we did not warrant bus tickets.. Quite the law then. And NO . . .I did not walk that mile in my pajamas, bare feet, or starved dragging my leg behind me. I was a runner, one of the best right up there with the only two boys that took all. I will never forget them – i have not thus far. [ See how that little "i" works ], me too, and it works well, and i feel fantastic as i should.
Continuing on . . .If i remember correctly that is what we were taught in school the differences between the [ i ] and the [ I ].
Never mind . . .For some reason or other I think I am wrong. Now I am thinking I am important so I am suppose to put a capital [ I ]. But now look at me . . .I I I me me me . . .Well i didn’t learn much from being I I I, what I have learned is there appears to be no I. Especially in the capital sence of the word, with its meaning I. Other than the fact that when i get to use the every word, it is generally to take the blame for something dumb i did. Really . . .WHO USED ALL THE TOILET PAPER! i did. WHO PUT SNOT ON THE T.V. . i did. WHO TOLD THAT LITTLE GIRL TO HOLD ONTO THE DOGS TAIL THEN THROW THE BALL. i did. Lots of stuff like that.
Oh wait a minute . . .Again this letter [ i & I ] thing is changing into something big now. I remember other questions, to that i used the capital [I ]. WHO TOLD EVERY ONE TO QUIT. I did. WHO STOPPED THAT MAN FROM HITTING THOSE KIDS. I did. WHO JUMPED OFF THE BRIDGE TO SAVE THAT BOY. I did. This put me at the understanding of the Letter ” I “ and how and when to use it properly. Which brings me back to the beginning of this statement, and i shall remain little i until i feel big or important. . .Now that we got that out-of-the-way, let’s move on. Back to my secrets . . .The hidden ones. Oh wait, what if some of these . . . . . . .things get me in trouble or arrested. Oh yeah, this is my safe place as no one comes here.
These secrets keep me who i am, hiding in my own little world where it becomes quite scary and quite funny most of the time. The scary stuff keeps me standing with the Lord, i would not know where else to turn, but he keeps me by his side when i call. It is up to me, as you, to know when he is indeed there and I do. The thing is that i mainly call upon him when i think my life is going to end, whether it be by man or illness or black evil. AND I do not mean witchcraft, I mean the guy down there, him and i won’t say his name. As far as i can tell i am still alive and well.
Sure i ask for new shoes and i don’t get them and i ask for the big lottery and other silly stuff, like how come I’m not rich, how come you won’t let me be a doctor, why can’t you hear me. Damn i hope I am not the only one who asks these things. But i also ask for all my family and friends and people i come into contact with to be kept safe and out of harms way and not just for me and mine. We are always okay. That is one of my secrets, I, i will never say there is no Lord. I can not. Not for any names sake. Lots of secrets in there. It started when i was a little girl, didn’t know much of anything, just learning like everyone, things like you can’t poke rabbits in the eye and you can’t play on the railroad tracks and you can’t talk to strangers. I was only four, what else was there to know besides do what you are told and eat slower chewing your food 36 times before swallowing. I never could get that one right. Odd that it all happened this time of year, Halloween-ish, 51 years ago when i met the Lord, here we are today writing the secret that has ben kept away. I thought that it is about time, people know about that day.
At the time i lived with my Grandmother and i may as well say in Newbrunswick because if there are archives, you will find it there. I think i was four years old at the time, may be i was five . . .but i think I was four. It was close to Halloween and my older sister is excited that the Halloween costumes had arrived at the Marson store mommy is telling her about. Then mommy said masks, i knew what that was from the T.V. show zoro, and i thought i would like to go see the masks too. I remember getting just as excited as i would ask mommy key words like, Halloween, whats Halloween, candy, why do they give you candy, mask, what is a mask. Zoro. Can i go too, please mommy i will be good, i won’t touching nothing too. My older sister did not like this . . .Oh please mommy please, please can i go. Mommy let me and my older sister was mad, and gave plenty of protest.
Before we left the house mommy made it quite clear that i was not to cross the road by myself and my big sister had to hold my hand there and back, DON’T DARE LET GO OF HER HAND! . . .I won’t, and off we went. She was mad at me forcing me to walk fast holding my hand tight all the way up the road, across the road to the tall steps, where she let go of my hand leaving on my own running up and in through the big screen door into the store. Slam, she was gone. By the time i did get in she was half way finished looking at all the Halloween costumes and i could not see her, so i called out, where you, over here stupid she called, i didn’t know what that word ment but that is what she always called me, so i asked where are the masks, with the costumes dummy, but what are costumes, [ i forgot to ask mommy.] everything hanging on the hangers, can i see, you’ re all ready there stupid, look. Wow there were racks and rows of Halloween costumes with a mask hanging on each of them, then i heard her say how much for this one, i’m going to go tell mommy, slam the screen door shut and i went after her calling you forget to wait for me, come on then stupid, but mommy said i can’t cross the street by myself you have to hold my hand. She was mad again stopping looking at me then yelled run! I ran . . .I was fast! The fastest runner in the world just like Flash or better. Then BAM… was the last sound i heard and everything was blacker than BLACK…………………………………………………………………………………………….Until i spoke……………………………..Where am i?
What you will read next is the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. Can you take it? Can you believe? Can you know.
I was only four but i did know the difference between mean and nice, soft and hard, loud and yelling, quite and whispers. But here in this black place, i was empty of any feeling, there was no pain no sadness, no sound, no nothing. Just black, no sky, no earth, no breeze. So me being me asked . . .Where am i? A voice of a man so kind and gentle said.
You are okay, but where am i, you are here with me, but where are we, it’s okay you can come with me, who are you, you will be okay come with me, but i can’t go with you i don’t know who you are, you are safe with me, but how come i can’t see you how come it’s so dark, it’s okay come with me you are safe, but i can’t go with you Grammy said not to talk too strangers.
By this time i start to hear something different interrupting our conversation getting louder like a bother-some shrill of some sort. This made me quite curious so i asked . . .What is that noise, it’s okay come with me, but i need to know what that noise is someone is calling my name, you are safe here with me you can come with me, But i need to see who is calling me how come i can’t open my eyes, come with me you will be okay, No I need to see who is calling me why is she screaming my name.
I remember trying hard to open my eyes and it was hard. But they did open and i knew it was my big sister. but i did not see her, i saw my mommy, my Grandmother, some of my aunts, i saw my big cousin, they were all standing over my head [ i didn't have a body, i didn't feel a body ] but it was there. They formed a perfect beautiful circle around me until the circle slowly tightened closing to a tiny pure white dot then back to the black and nothing. It was the end and the last thing i saw, and when that bright circle started to close so did any sound. Nothing, nothing at all like there never was. . . .Nothing to leave behind nothing. Non existent. Strange wouldn’t you say? Who was i talking to? The Lord . . At the time i could not of said so, as i did not know the Lord then, but i soon learned to know him where i chatted to him on a daily basis. NO HE DID NOT VOICE BACK . . . Do you think i am nuts? It was just the once for the voice but the presence of him, always came.
Then i became terribly afraid of birds, always tying to hide out of sight when one was looking in the window, or i would throw a stick or pebble at them to make them fly away. Nasty old things they were always telling on me. At least that is what the nurses in the hospital would tell me. Those nurses seemed to know everything about me and what i was doing as a little bird told them so. So they always said, every time they would tell me something i did i would ask how they knew and time after time a little bird told them so. Man what was with those birds! Did they tell on everyone or just me. I like birds now, i know they don’t talk and i am glad i never hurt one. It is good to get those two secrets out, they explain why i am what i am. But the second time i got hit by a car was on the very day i got out from the hospital after the first time. I can’t blame myself for that too, while i was in the hospital for two and a half months, no body thought to tell me the bridge was finished. umm a nice chunky man just walked by, i mean, never mind. The day i was to leave the hospital my aunt came-she drove my mom to get me. But she did not come empty-handed, no siree, she brought me a bottle of orange crush soda pop and a chocolate bar, O’ Henry. Wow i only had that on a Sunday from Grampy, a half bottle of pop and a bag of chips. This was special. [ which way did he go george, i got to get hit more often] I didn’t say this but i guess i should have, or could have. When i got home it felt great to be where the birds couldn’t see me, but all these kids came out of no-where, asking for a bite of the o’ henry and a drink of the orange pop. I ain’t never had orange pop let alone see it, Grampy always gave me coke. Now i was down to no chocolate bar and maybe a mouthful of pop. This would never do, so I ran out the door and away from everyone, so i could get a drink too. If i remember correctly i did not get drink i got hit instead. Where was the lord then you ask? Probably watching me be greedy running myself into an on coming car. I just hope it was not the same man. poor guy, i’m sure the first time was enough for a life time. But here i am again laying in the dirt road with a few changes, weather conditions good me not so good. This time there still was no pain, no sound, but no questions, no voice, and my eyes opened at will, allowing me to see i was bundled in a pink blanket in my mother’s arms and the Doctor was driving us back to the hospital. I do remember my mother’s voice, she was scared almost crying asking is she going live, the doctor saying i don’t know we will have to see, then it was just nothing, nothing at all.
My mother tells me of a time when i was run down by a bad uncle, who every time i got up, he hit me back down and by the time she got to me he hit me three times. My two awesome Aunts tell me i was run over by horse and buggy, blood all over my small body and head they thought i was dead. What was up with me . . .A couple of times some people would say, why there goes that little girl gets hit by car every day, i would say . . .oh yeah not every day! I didn’t like that. [ Even i knew you can't get hit every day. ]
So you can see where i am different and can say i do know the Lord. Never did get to see that HALLOWEEN though
I will tell secrets of being six and under, up until seven . . .Those thoughts are bad memories and gone, but they will help explain me more.
I am still standing